You are right when you say talking does no good. The saddest part is to deal with our son who copies his father, takes no responsibilty for his own behaviour and impossible to reason with most of the time. I am better off without him. He had created chaos there as well and when it all finally came crashing down on him I was ready to take him in and protect him. Narcissists are not in touch with their own feelings. Its a hard call to make but its your choice. Narcissists engage in hot-and-cold behavior and intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked in the relationship. This is painful stuff to deal with emotionally, spiritually and financially. Reading your post and you said you love him, my heart went out to you because the love will still be there for him. And of course its all my fault! I have tried many times for the sake of my children. As much as he wanted it to look so, he hated the reality of being accountable for anything especially his own word. The following is a summary of NPD from the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders) used by clinicians to diagnose and treat individuals with mental illness. For all this time I have been working on myself, attending classes through the church (designed for couples, but they are letting me go by myself)and I (unlike him) remember the good timeshe COULD be really, really sweetand my soul still loves him (its the only way I know how to describe it as it takes me out of the very human/ego part of me that is pissed as hell at the childish, immoral behavior)..it also lets me not put the blame on myself (which I bought into, and still do some days, like today). Harsh, but true. I fled after just 8 months of marriage. Kim, you also say about leaving accountability to others. They say they are sensitive, but the behavoir is undermining and abusive and can rip a person to pieces, even if they keep their cool, underneath that one can see that they are seething, but they will never admitt it. I have been doing when you suggested here. He decided to stay with me, but know the affair is just another tool for him to use to punish me. I have a severe physical disability and cannot take on parenting an adult it is too draining, Tanya we could be talking about the same man here, amazing. How can I ever trust that this isnt the beginning of another end? I am soooo sick and tired of him by the weekend after hes been a jerk half the week for apologising yes apologising for being a jerk and defending himself at what a tough week its been and hes sorry only for him to do it again. I could snap once that is say one sentence cos I was really upset about something and he would use it as an excuse to storm off, knowing full well that i say my piece and then carry on with my life. At this point, I think it may be best (for me, likely him too) to stay away and do nothing or resolve the legal aspect. I just wonder what percentage of the male population is like this? Ive so learned that people like her are the good ones, the ones you wnat to know. He was physical abuseive at times and pretending he did nothing or I lied or to blame me really messes my self worth up. 13 1 Sponsored by TruthFinder Have you ever googled yourself? This woman was a serial liar who could turn on the tears at will and present herself as a very convincing victim. Abandonment can be a big trigger for violence and so please dont consider leaving a matter of being able to simply cut your losses and move on. But, I dont know if the good is genuine. Through 15 years of marriage he was never faihful and treated our children and me disrespectfully. I want to make the right move at this critical point in our relationship. I know this is his way of turning this back onto me. I am hesistant as his actions around the birth of our boy showed him to be absent and immature with a failure to own his own behaviour. I have just learned in the past few months about these disorders. The worse thing is seeing how he uses older women who are lonely and they need the attention they have no idea why he is in there life but its for something he wants done and they can help him accomplish his wants. This is the story of my life and almost always my experience when we are on any sort of vacation. It depends on what they are is the role he will play. Its a hard life, but for me, Ive put down the sword, and have decided to find the believers in me; not the leaders or followers that are only destined to intercept my inalienable rights to exist. I told him that since he wouldnt go for help, he had to leave. I want to believe them so much. The narcissistic administrator becomes a strong advocate for a single approach to teaching (typically method of instruction, less frequently a student-centered approach); regardless of the nature of the method, the administrator imposes it and prescribes how it is to be implemented. He was hell on earth in the beginning but I researched and read materials to the point I understood his disorder. Financially Im in a bad place as I quit my job a few months ago and now make jewelry but Im broke. Dear Kim, I have the book and the workbook and have been working on it. I give them the fuel, to take to others, to set me on fire. I also wonder why you have chosen to avoid his affection in the past? I know that something good will come out of this for everyone. To all those good people out there, keep looking for the help you need, get a good support team around you and as my brother says to me, Take a cement pill and harden up He wasnt being unkind, just realistic. I guess he was held accountable for his choices and the natural consequences for his behavoir was the loss of his family. You know that he will blow up and make a scene about this so be prepared. Someone mentioned DBTand thought that would help mebut finding the right connection/therapist is very hard for me. Hang in there and keep working through the steps and exercises in the books! I was slapped, hit, kicked, bitten, told that I was not a man and it was all my fault for her behaving in such a manner. One day, I will be thinking or doing something other than engaging in the endless hours of preoccupation about another tumultuous display of rage and blame, when he comes to me and finally saysI now understand. Your last comment to me when I told you I was giving up on this relationship was. But it was when I got the cancer that my husband completely changed. Thanks Kim. Forget Counselling..these people are great liars..I got Kims books..they do work. Thanks for All you do & continue to do for all of us that struggle with this challenge. Or is cutting off sex simply the same as threatening to leave him? He wants him to be loved under all the pain my friend feels. Being stern long term will probably only result in you damaging your attachment. But my heart knows that I will never be able to count on him to be there for me unless it suits him and his own needs at the time. Sometimes were in love with the image of the person that we admire. In my heart I know its not over, but things are far from good! I cant trust him yet of course. Is there anything more I can do bridge the gap? Im a survivor. Your opinion on the matter is no longer relevant. Dear Michelle, (Comment 48) After another long fight, I agreed to add it to your tab and for you to pay it back with your monthly payments. It broke my heart. Love on yourself. Thx Kim. It took 2-3 years and Ive moved on, but the apology from him finally gave me the closure I needed. My guess is that he may be hiding credit cards you dont know about and is struggling to meet the repayments. Hi Debbie Of course you should part if you feel that way! Curious as I educate myself on this. Ive been aware of his N personality for 10 years & actively working on me instead of trying to change him, for the past 3. The only thing you can do, as I have see everyone noting, is that you just manipulate your surroundings to your sanity and survival. I hear it in him. 3. I would like to hear more about how to protect our 10-year-old son. When we mix lies with the truth, when we turn friends and family against our beloved, there is nothing left. I can only make choices for my self. A week before my birthday Im told that hes going away with his daughter to see his brother in Singapore and my birthday would be missed. I set limits and gave consequencesif this happens then this other thing will happen. Take good care. 5 Guard your sensitive information closely. I assure you that separating bank accounts will work to stop that. My husband is unbelievablely brilliant, cuniving, manipulative, and charming. I LOVE this article. I have been married to a NPD for almost 45 years and been with him 48. Thanks Kim.Unfortunately in my sad little world at the age of 51 I dont have any access to money.I rely on my husband totally.I dont even have a bank acc.Unbelevable I know!I met him when I was 15 and never went onto study.I finished high school,did some courses and did work until I had my children.I was lucky to b a stay at home mom.I did work here and there and when the children left home I did have a job at an animal shelter.I left and went to care in the UK and that was absolutely diasasterous for my marriage.He had women in my home and lived the life of a bachelor.Since then I have not worked.I live in a small town and work is really hard to come by.Also I wld have to use his car which he constantly threatens me with.At my age I have no confidence because I am constantly told how thick and stupid I am.I do all my own housework,cooking and so forth.Also every job Ive had hes accused me of having affairs with someone.I dont want to come across as the victim here but thats how it is.My husband has his own business of which I know nothing abt because he says it has nothing to do with me.I have tried to push the issue and get involved but to no avail.So yes,I wld love to purchase ur books but sadly cant,thats why I go online and try and read all I can wherever.Thanks for your time. Another reveals the. I tried techniques to try and hold him accountable for his actions sadly your article has come too late cos he stormed off again the other day. He is a little boy on the inside. Your idea may work but it may also be hard for you to make him carry through on when he gets home. It should be stressed however that this . Hi Marje and welcome to our site, Write down what first triggered you getting angry and then go and do something to cheer yourself up and forget about him for awhile. It will teach you step by step how to stop him turning this around on you. Narcissistic behavior on the job can arise at any time, with troubling results. Very subtle and not the sort that you can bring others in on. I actually feel like I cant take anymore, and now find myself alone at 60yrs when I thought I would be settled down with someone to spend the rest of my life with. The call the police one didnt work for me. I just got served with a baseless lawsuit by him and now have to find a pro bono attorney as I have no money but with his slick attorney ways, he will someone win even though CPS has said he cant see the kids unsupervised but the courts are allowing him to file suit for custody?? I wish I would have read this yesterday, and after giving kuddos for better communication and then N becoming evasive againI asked if we were o.k. The reverse discard is when you subtly push the narcissistic individual to discard you first so that there is a reduced chance of narcissistic rage or retaliation since they feel they have "won" the break-up. I have learned to be a very calm person and have set up healthy and stern boundaries for myself. 9) You had messed up your credit so much that I suggested for you to file bankruptcy to get out from under your debt and start over. Its so hard to accept that it was no more than a performance. The man could argue a ridiculous point. I got upset about this, and he doesnt see that he did anything wrong because hes single and can do what he wants.He says I need therapy because I react to what I perceive to be his lack of respect in an angry way. We have to understand, explain, and educate ourselves on what is actually happening, not just the repeated symptoms. She calls every email I send her Diatribes which tells me 1) she doesnt give a good rats ass about my feelings or opinions 2) dismisses my opinion yet expects me to hear her out every time!If I told you everything about our relationship I would write a 10 volume encyclopedia! The Effects a Narcissistic Parent Parent Can Have on a Child. He claims to have been to the counselor we saw together and that he knows he did all that to me because he hated himself before and has learned to now love himself. I tried to help someone that I thought I cared about every day for a year and in the end, I ended up trying to hold on to her to the point where she consciously decided she would blatantly lie to the police about any contact, even coincidental, which resulted in me being arrested for STALKING her even though my contacts with her consisted of 5 phone calls none of which consisted of anything but the question why? 12) While driving the old car you locked yourself out one day and violently damaged the car trying to break into it causing hundreds of dollars of damage, instead of calling me to give you a spare key or calling a locksmith. She has a cookie business, that he controls of course. Get strong. them, promoting a sturdy stance for (empathically) holding the narcissist accountable. Keeping rapport at the same time as setting boundaries is tough but a balancing act that helps a person become a better leader for sure! He is already a bit worked up he gets worked up alot I said no of course notturns out, when he said Monica, I assumed Monica from the bank called but I find out no, Monica is the secretary for the company the cheque was written to which I could not have known and a little further investigation on my part was she tried to cash the cheque before the date so the bank returned it! This is exactly why you need to step out of the way and let other professionals such as your doctor or the police deal with him. Its always something new to the list of bad things he does daily. I am a school teacher, so I used many of the strategies I use to manage behavior with students, and they often work. Choose your battles and decide what is important enough to speak about and wait until things are calm. But how can I do it .
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